ALMOST THERE

I was married at age 24 to a man I met on my college campus. 3 months after we were married, I became pregnant with our daughter. I finished my undergrad and started my graduate program in Marriage and Family Therapy. During grad school, we had our son -I know, crazy, right? Well, the stress continued building. From finances to parenting -to schooling -to pressure at work -and in ministry. How did I think I could do it all? Marriage became even more difficult, and resentment grew between us. My husband admittedly mistreated his family, and after years of begging him to stick with counseling, I actually moved out once the maltreatment became no longer bearable. I was clear with him that I only left to give us space to work on our marriage without doing further damage. Unfortunately, during the seperation the mistreatment just became worse. I eventually believed that I married a wolf in sheep's clothing. This was less than a year ago before launching this blog. He first said he wanted a divorce, and while I begged him to give it some time, he agreed but became more controlling and abusive. We did eventually divorce, and he lost his family and both jobs within the same month, and everything became even harder. Without insurance, I could not get my much needed refill on my antidepressants. Quitting cold turkey (unwillingly) as well as all of the stress I was under, I spiraled downward. As Christmas approached, I found myself in my parents living room, all of my past pain medications lined up, ready for me to swallow. I wrote a letter to my mom and made sure my kids were safe a daycare. As I was preparing a glass of water to what I hoped would wash down all of my hopelessness, my dad called me and came rushing through the front door. That day, I was admitted to a behavioral health hospital. Since then, I have struggled maintaining positive feelings, motivation, ability to parent and work. And it’s from this this hopeless place that appears to be complete and utter failure, that I will share my story. I am learning now more than ever that  "we overcome by the power of Jesus, and the word of our testimony." Our testimony is not how Jesus saves the perfect, but how Jesus saves the broken, lost, hopeless, depressed. If I can speak about my hopelessness and failures, I think maybe I could be set free. I am not coming at this from a hine's sight perspective, but right in the middle of it.. Just last week, I had more thoughts of escaping forever, no intentions, just thoughts. But I know how powerful those thoughts can get. So here it is. The story that I NEVER want to tell of a 30-year old divorcee, struggling to enjoy her children, find purpose and feel lovable. However this story continues, I just hope that God brings freedom through this major step of faith, and that MAYBE someone else can feel less alone in this life of “almost there.”