Just As I Suspected

Just as I suspected.. 2 months goes by since my last post, and my heart is burning to sort out so many different ideas with you. I want to update more often, but my original disclaimer remains, and I make no guarantees.. My thoughts and grapplings have come to rest on one word.. RECOVERY. Launching this blog platform was my attempt to be transparent about my failures as part of my recovery. When my life was flipped upside down, I plummeted to the depths of depression and was fully convinced that life without my existence would actually be better. I was about to give my children a life without a mom, and my parents the loss of another child. It was a miracle that the front door flew open and my dad held me and kept me safe from myself. It is now clear to me that a war for my life was being waged in that moment -and boy has that war continued. "Victory" is the last word I would use to describe the results that day. That battle may have been fought for me, and you could say that the battle was won, but the war was certainly not over. As I began my journey out of those depths, it took support from my family, spiritual guidance, therapy, medication and intentionality to actually see the possibilities of feeling alive again. Picture a view overlooking a canyon. Now focus in on the ledge a mile away, you see some movement and you step forward to see what is moving in the distance. A creature resembling a zombie appears to have climbed up out of the canyon. But their shoes are missing, and under the layers of mud, ripped denim drapes the scrapes and wounds on the her legs. Fingers are black from the climb as the blood mixed with dirt and coated them. This person did not intend to hike this canyon. This person seems to have fallen into despair, and was unprepared for the journey. This was not the victorious moment in the movies when they finally arrive to the top and help is called. No, this moment was full of shame. How could this person let themselves fall so far down and not be able to survive without being rescued? This person did not want to be carried away in a helicopter or be medically treated. I just wanted to hide...

This is my recovery. Every time that I share my story, I am taken back to the moment where I am found covered in shame. Don't look at what I've gone through or how badly I have failed. Can we just focus on my accomplishments before I took the fall? Recovery is braving the shameful moments. When I think I should be better by now, recovery is making room for healing. The vulnerability that is required for it makes me wonder if I don't do that well either. In my current chapter of life, it feel likes I have started over completely. Several factors inform me of the progress I have made along with my family as a whole, but it still feels like I have started over. I am still burning with questions for God like: Will I ever be in full time ministry again? Could my desire to foster children be disqualified? especially when you look at the trouble I have had getting my own children back to a healthy place. Will I ever use my masters degree again? Would I even want to? I am not where I imagined myself at 30 years old. Finally seeing my dreams fulfilled seems like an impossibility at this moment. But I have been challenged to ask God for the impossible - not just what I think I can do myself. I am finally seeing that MAYBE God can turn this recovery into a miracle. Maybe He will give me the desires of my heart. Maybe I'll be granted the capacity that I used to have or more. Maybe I can learn to feel pain and still keep faith. Maybe I can collapse at the top of the canyon and beg to be rescued. Maybe I will see my worth more clearly and the urgency that others need rescuing like I do! Maybe I can reclaim my calling in my life and live in it with intentionality and purpose! Do I believe that God can do it? In the midst of all the possible outcomes swirling in my head, I am going to be brave and say YES. I believe that God can make a way when there is no way. I believe He loves me. And soon, I can say: JUST AS I SUSPECTED -GOD DID IT FOR ME, AND HE WILL DO IT FOR YOU TOO.

He's making all things new. When I think of it this way, maybe starting over isn't such a bad thing.

https://youtu.be/Yb1h4nxyVtU

Listen to this song.