THE OVERTURE

If you have this compelling desire to arrive at a point in your life where you feel like you have it together even though life isn't perfect, you might relate to this. If you are a compulsive failure, you might relate to this. If you have gone through so much pain just to reach moments of feeling fine or dare I say good, this may be something you find interesting. Finally, if you struggle with the epitome of what it means to be human rather than super-human, then you have entered the correct web page.

First let me add a disclaimer. I am not a writer or skilled author. I have not written anything outside of academic papers or facebook posts for the last 5 years. Oh right- I have also written quite a few resumes and cover letters. But my point is... there will be typos and some sections may be hard to follow or just plain unfitting for the point I am trying to make. I have no idea what this is going to look like, but I want it to become what it is rather than force it to be something else. To add to that, I may go a long time without posting even though my intention might be to post regularly. The point I am trying to make here is: I will fail at this. You might say, "Have faith in yourself," or "have confidence and challenge yourself." Don't get me wrong, I am up for the challenge, but man it's good to feel the freedom to fail and take some of that pressure off. I love lifestyle blogs and anything that offers wisdom, hacks or success stories. This is not one of those. This is about failures.

An overture is a distinct section at the beginning of a symphony. It's an introduction to the story or to something substantial. This is where the story begins. Sure I could tell you about my accomplishments and success stories. Some of it may even be mentioned in my bio, but it would be pretty distracting from what I am trying to do. All I want is to finally feel okay again, and talking about my accomplishments will continue to keep me isolated and do what I have always done by frankly using those stories to prove myself. Here is where the new story begins. The past stories have made up my life, and I have continually learned from them... "They made me who I am today...” and this overture is not meant to forget those or discount them. This overture is a new way of responding to life circumstances and struggles.

I am going to stop telling myself, "no one wants to hear my sob story...” or "no one wants to spend their time listening to myself sulk in my misery." So now, I am saying this... I might shed tears in the future as I write about my failure. But I will not be sulking. "Misery loves company" is taking on a whole new meaning. I will not try to MAKE you miserable with me, but I will basically open myself up to the opinions and judgment of all who read this. Criticism terrifies me. But this is part of my new story: I am no longer allowing terror to run my life! As I was typing that, I was shivering under my covers like Scooby Doo. I am still nearly paralyzed by fear... but somehow I am finding the audacity to continue sharing. I bet most of you can guess the "somehow" I am referring to...which brings me to my final disclaimer.

I will be openly discussing my struggles in my faith. It might offend some of you, and others may be waving their hankies yelling "amen sister!" Maybe you're reading this and you have walked closely with me in my faith. There is not a single person who has walked beside me who has not in some way been lumped into the group of humans who have been part of my pain and doubt throughout my Christian life. There is in no way blame attached to that... it is more of a reflection of my tendency to rely all too heavily on others' affirmation and motivation to keep me moving forward and actually liking myself and God. This tendency is substantial enough to require an entire piece sharing about my need for others' approval, but you can expect it to be woven throughout each story as I share about my failures and my faith.

This overture is a distinct section of my life that I will learn and master the art of vulnerability. And here is it... full disclosure, full exposure. Be prepared to be disappointed in me. Be prepared to be proud of me. I am still terrified, but here we go...