All The Things

What does it mean to be a high-capacity person or worker? I think of a high-capacity person as someone with enough strength and stamina to not only ACHIEVE, but to SET INTO MOTION lasting change and lead people or at least lead themselves in their life, able to commit and follow through. They have the ability to fill their schedule and walk it out and have things to show for all the work and discipline they have. Some of us who are high-capacity are driven by results and vision to be a “kind of person” that we want to be. What happens when something significant zaps us of our strength and ability to follow through? What kind of person are we underneath our high-achieving, capable and successful self?

My expectations of myself have always been high. I want to be seen as the highly capable person I am, and that is what was driving me as I started my family and worked for my bachelors and masters degrees and worked at my job and engaged in ministry and leadership.. I wanted to do ALL THE THINGS! It became too much, so what was it that made me believe that I could do it all? There were times that I wanted something slightly tragic to occur just so I could have an excuse to take a break. I couldn't stop my drive to continue and achieve even though I felt myself growing weak and weary.

I was unaware of my limitations. The author Henry Nowen described humility in one of his writings that led me to develop and adopt this partial definition of humility: part of humility is knowing who I am, and knowing who I am NOT. That awareness is detrimental to the survival of a high capacity person. My current positon in life right now has me recognizing my true capacity. I can’t share any of my personal struggles without mentioning my faith -or lack of. I have studied enough scripture to know that God doesn’t expect me to use my high capacity abilities to my detriment. His promise is that He will give wisdom liberally when we ask for it, and that he will be our strength when we are weak, but He also promises that He’ll draw near to us when we draw near to Him. Was it Martin Luther who said: the busier I am, the more time I must spend in prayer?? -But in a very “King James“ sounding way.

My pastor at church was speaking on prayer, and he encourages us to follow Jesus in the way He prays, setting time aside to pray alone OFTEN. Prayer breaks down all the walls, all the chains, all the spiritual silence, ALL THE THINGS! My life has become the example that I PRAY others will look at and say: “I don’t want to drift that far away,” but I also hope they say: “I want to have that kind of strength to share my failures desperately with God and with the right people!” When I don’t open up to God when I am in the trenches, it’s almost like an elephant in the room.. eeeeeveryone knows im sucking at this right now.

Let’s get under another layer of this prayer thing.. My high expectations of a high-capacity person has been my ball and chain, the ball gave me the advantage. I learned how to make it work to my advantage, and I liked the person it made me look like. I can do a lot, and I like to do a lot. But when I can no longer bear to lift the ball that used to launch me forward and thrust me into great accomplishments, I’m left in bondage, weakened and miserable. This prayer thing has me trippin tho, because when I am suddenly unable to accomplish ALL THE THINGS like I used to. I’m left to look at myself for who I really am, not what I’ve been able to do. I’ve learned a lot about who I am underneath what I have presented for so long..

Underneath it all:

💖 I just want to be loved so incredibly deeply

💖 I want to do the right thing

💖 I want true friendship, and I have difficulty keeping friends

💖 I wanna be a kick-ass mom

💖 I want to be married again to the man I love

💗 I’m afraid of being alone

💗 I’m scared to death of being rejected (aka: alone)

💗 I’m a desperate person full of holes

💗 I’m resistant to do things that require discipline

💗 I am sick of my chaotic and irresponsible lifestyle

💓 I am passionate and emotional

💓 I am cognizant of others and generally self aware

💓 I am always learning and seeking knowledge and wisdom

💓 I am gifted and talented in many ways

💓 I am not very confident in myself right now, but there are people who believe in me

💝 I am blessed with an incredible family and church

💝 I have experienced a real love that no one can give other when I get real with Jesus in prayer or in worship (which is babsically prayer)

💝 I am very deeply loved by Him even when I isolate

💝 Some people love me because they like the way I relate with them or sing or because they see a part of me that I present very carefully

💝 some people love me and all my ugly parts, and they've seen it all

💞 Depression has been a battle for me since my teen years

💞 Anxiety has taken over my life for a few short stints at a time

💞 Psych meds have saved my life because I wanted to end it

💞 I am grateful for meds, but I still feel like I’m living in bondage

💞 I am desperate for freedom

💘 I am unable to accomplish everything I need to in my strength alone

💘 I need people, and Jesus wants to be first on my emergency contact list

💘 I love singing and going on vacation

💘 I love my kids, and they love me, and I’ve taken lots of steps to be the best mom I can

💘 I am in love with a man and determined to see my family made whole

💕My prayers are always heard

💕 I have trust, but I fail to exercise it many times

💕 I have a very significant story, and I want it to change someone’s life

💕 I will overcome and be set free by first telling Jesus ALL THE THINGS 🙏🏼 ..And telling everyone that God IS NOT FINISHED WITH ME

💕 I am completely and totally loved and set free because it already happened thru Jesus; I will always be living this out while I pray desperately and keep telling my story. My life will change.

Im out of pink heart Emojis now, but here is the bottom line: I wanted to do ALL THE THINGS and I really thought I could, and I really thought that it added to my value and guaranteed that I’ll never end up alone. It lasted for a time, but now I need to step back and GIVE UP all the things that I’ve always “done on my own.” Where do I start when someone tells me to “give up” all the things? 🙏🏼 You guessed it. Maybe there’s some place in scripture that says something else, but I think if I pray about ALL THE THINGS, I’ll find myself asking for wisdom desperately, collapsing on the floor and pleading for God to take over, saying sorry for not asking sooner, and telling him about all the feels, and allowing healing to come to my soul and bring me back to life while I still lay at the feet of Jesus, completely emptied before Him and more vulnerable than ever. Does that look like giving up my high-capacity ways? At least it’s a start. And I want to end this post with a song. For this purpose, I want to change one word in this old school hymn that I love so much:

Turn your eyes upon Jesus

Look full in His wonderful face

ALL THE THINGS of earth will grow strangely dim

In the light of His glory and grace